Dating in Recovery: It Works if You Work It
At the risk of sounding totally cheesy I’m going to say that AA’s principles when applied to everything in life, not just sobriety, really do work. I don’t know of any relationship, whether it’s a romantic, familial or work relationship, that doesn’t benefit from things like:
Honesty
Integrity
Willingness
Humility
Service
While recovering addicts can make excellent companions, the one principle that should be followed without exception is—do not become involved with someone in recovery from substance abuse unless they have been clean and sober for at least one year. And if you are newly sober you should know that one of the worst things a person can do in early recovery is jump headfirst into a romance.
When people with addiction issues try to jump into a relationship too soon, there is a very good chance that they are attempting to fill the hole they feel inside by replacing their drug of choice with something else that will give them that high they are craving. It is strongly advised by counselors, sponsors and anybody with experience in recovery that they remain focused on themselves until their sobriety is strong.
There are plenty of things that work to build strong and healthy relationships when dating in recovery… if you work them:
Amends & Your Side of The Street: Apologizing and taking responsibility for any hurt caused and giving the other person the opportunity to fully express how they feel.
Being Honest: Hiding things or having secrets are not conducive to a healthy long–term relationship and put sobriety at risk.
Letting Go: Resentments are killers. When people are full of resentment over the past actions they are usually in judgment.
Patience & Humility: You can’t rush evolution and things may not go according to your timeframe. Expecting too much too soon always leads to disappointment.
Dating in Recovery for Non-Alcoholics: Do‘s and Don’ts
There are millions of relationships that work out between “normies” or people who do not have an addiction issue, and people in recovery. If you want to support your partner’s recovery then you need to learn about and understand the basics of addiction.
Contrary to the widespread misconception, addiction is not a moral issue, a failure or a character flaw. If you believe that addiction is somehow shameful or to do with a lack of willpower, you may want to think twice about dating a recovering addict.
Recovering addicts need to attend a self-help support group meeting, call their sponsor and have sponsees out of necessity. It may be inconvenient, but their recovery takes priority over all-else. Relapse remains a threat even with decades in recovery, given the chronic nature of the disease. So, educate yourself about the signs of relapse and always encourage your partner to get help if you detect a problem, because even those who do relapse but get help immediately are often able to jump right back into their recovery.
In order to maintain a healthy relationship when dating someone in recovery there are a couple of checklist item—or do’s and don’ts—that you may find helpful:
Do:
Get facts about a person’s recovery.
Learn about the disease of addiction.
Support their program of recovery—that has to come first.
Set boundaries and know your personal limits.
Don’t:
Make judgments based in fear.
Enable your partner.
Forget about your own needs.
Ignore or be blind to signs of relapse.
If you want to consider sharing your life, make sure you have a good one of your own first! Have a solid base of recovery, with no relapses. Make sure you have worked all 12 steps with a sponsor. Go to meetings often, and regularly, including a “Home Group.” Think about attending Al-Anon meetings, which are all about relationships, and considered by some to be the “graduate program” after AA.
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