My Relapse: Out And Back In, To Begin Again

To begin with, I want you to know that this is a very, very personal story for me to share. Relapse is a part of my story. Mine is not an uncommon story; the longer I stick around in my fellowship the more I hear the truth about relapse: People relapse before they even pick up a drink or drug.

It’s the way we think.

However, relapse is not a part of recovery, it is a lack thereof, and there is no guarantee that you will be able to reset the timer and start counting 24 hours again.

Romanticizing a drink or drug is not something I have any interest in doing anymore. The bottom line is that alcohol and drugs are unhealthy and if I really wanted to do something unhealthy, I’d probably pick something way more satisfactory, that I would truly enjoy…like say, heading over to ‘In-N-Out’… which is actually, very appropriate.

Relapse: My Deep Dive Down

There are so many different relapses to my story, in a way it snowballed in multi-layered phases and unraveled, revealing many hidden issues. After having five years of sobriety my life got really, really good. My program was in place and I was achieving things that I never thought were possible. I had a solid foundation, a solid fellowship and I was of service. Slowly but surely that started to diminish as I become more attracted to and focused on things like money, success, possessions, recognition, and approval. These are all ‘life things’ that come from a very fulfilling sober life, for sure, but I allowed my program of recovery to deteriorate. When that happened other issues started to arise. When things got so good, instead of continuing to put forth the effort, I wanted instant gratification.

I went to a psychiatrist and said that I was so stressed out and having similar issues to the ones I had when I was younger when I needed to take Adderall. (In retrospect, I had addictive personality traits even when I was a kid!) I had no intention of relapsing and certainly didn't want to jeopardize what I had; a doctor was treating me, so that seemed a smart and safe move. But I ended up having “prescription dyslexia”; instead of taking one pill every four hours I was taking four pills every hour. I was off to the races. About 8 months into my Adderall use I was taking around 350/400mg a day. And while I was in the cycle, and my tolerance built up and I started suffering sleep deprivation, I ended up starting to drink again.

When alcohol came back into the picture I started doing it in isolation. I was not able to really function. While I was drinking and using, it spiraled into a gambling addiction as well. During this period I was making lousy choices in company and business. I surrounded myself with bad company and was making bad business investments. It was a domino effect. I lost a lot of money and lost our house -within a year.

Even with this house of cards falling apart, ego came into play, and I just assumed I would be able to fix it. But I kept up with this roller-coaster battle with my addictions for 4 1/2 years, binging a month or two on and a month or two off. Adding to this cocktail of confusion and disaster more underlying issues started to surface... My fear and discomfort with body image, aging, weight management issues, and insecurities I had never processed.

What happened during my relapse, was that I stopped playing it through- I began to get high on the whole act of relapse. I felt like there was no way to get out, I was already in too deep. There was no longer a possibility of picking up the phone and reaching out or taking contrary action or using any of the tools or steps that I had learned. I would sit on all of it. I almost felt like I was grieving the end of my dysfunctional relationship with all my addictions, and playing it out one final time, to process it.

The Thousand Pound Phone: You’re Not Alone

For me, something has to actively arrest the disease to get stabilized.

It wasn't until I got honest about my addiction that I could even begin to address those core issues. It all comes down to honesty. As I approach my anniversary at the end of this week, I’m thinking about how getting honest saved my life.

When you are in an addiction spiral and have relapsed, it seems impossible to pick up your thousand-pound phone and make a call for help. If you have relapsed because of any circumstances, you are not alone. For me, I had to connect with God tell my sponsor, and tell my wife. The freedom that came from getting open and honest has changed my life.

Being honest means expressing vulnerability, which for me creates humility. This is when the healing can begin. I’ve always struggled with insecurities so they were bound to resurface I was just always hypercritical of myself, ever since I was little. On the outside, I had validation but on the inside, I never felt it was worthy. Through this process, I have really learned to love myself.

After getting honest about my relapse I have gotten to a point where I have internalized that drinking or doing a drug would not make any situation better.

I have accepted that fact. I have recognized that in the past I had always allowed people and situations to dictate my reality... I was very reactive. My awareness now is that I do not have to get upset over people or situations – because both are powerless without my reaction. After discovering that a quick fix solution doesn’t work, I learned about what I call the Triple-A Modality:

• Awareness

• Acceptance

• Action

Without awareness, you cannot accept what's going on; and without acceptance, you cannot take action.

Hindsight is 2020, as they say because your vision is so clear. Well, not only is that extremely appropriate for this year but now I see that I unintentionally relapsed without having my program as a priority. Clarity comes from taking inventory, being honest, and letting the light into the darkness of relapse. 

By the grace of God, I am in the process of working again doing what I love. I have an intense filming schedule, a three-year-old daughter and I have just moved...It’s a lot to manage. In recovery, I have learned that I need to pause and play the tape out. Every day I am creating my “Ideal 24” I am identifying, restructuring, and setting boundaries.

What has also been most beneficial in my life and my sobriety is the awareness that structure creates security. (And believe me, when you have a child, there's no escaping this reality. It’s a simple solution. When there is so much stuff happening in our world, we all need the feeling of security! When we have routines and accountability it creates a sense of safety:

✓ Have a set wake up time.

✓ Start the day with prayer and meditation.

✓ Make a gratitude list: three things- not only what but also why.

✓ Use the gym or exercise.

✓ Get to a meeting -even on zoom!

✓ Have a core group of people, lean on the fellowship.

✓ Be of service.

Relapse: Help Is Here

For nothing is hidden that will not be made manifest, nor is anything secret that will not be known and come to light. - Luke 8:17

Many people deny to themselves that they are in the spiral of addiction for as long as possible, especially if they can hide it well. They may even think they have control over their addictions, but honestly, a relapse that goes untreated rarely ends well.

If you have had a relapse, tell on yourself. That's what saves lives.

If you have had a relapse you are not alone, it happens to the best of us. It's important not to dwell on it; we can learn from our mistakes. Give up hope of a better past, stop beating yourself up. Look back but don't stare, and end the pity party for one, because none of that will help you move forward.

Let someone know you need help.

People in recovery are not in the shame game; we’re in the same game. And we want to help you win a life that is free from the bondage of addiction.

If you are struggling with drugs or alcohol or have had a relapse please reach out and click the link below.